You’ve (At Least) Gathered All the Evidence You Can
And even then, you shouldn’t accuse your spouse or lover of cheating. You should keep this information safe and to yourself until you have made a firm decision on what to do with your life. You have to asked yourself the following questions,
- Can I live with this person knowing they’ve cheated on me?
- Can I forgive the lies and dishonesty they’ve shown towards me?
- How will I know they’ll never cheat again?
- How will I know whether they’re actually telling me the truth or lying to me?
- What about this situation tells me it will never happen again?
And the most important question you can ask yourself:
WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO GET IT OUT
OF MY MIND THEY CHEATED ON ME?
This is a very important question to ask yourself. You may be able to forgive, but will you ever be able to forget?
Every time you have a disagreement with your spouse will you be able to not bring up the lies and the dishonesty?
Will you resent what happened? Will it be always in the back of your mind that they cheated on you and hurt you in this way? How will you cope with that?
You might think that confronting your spouse will be the solution and make them stop lying to you and being dishonest with you. That may not happen. As you’ll read below, it might make things worse. But let’s assume you’ve decided you must confront your cheating spouse.
You shouldn’t accuse your spouse of cheating on you until you have enough information and facts that you feel 100% sure that they are cheating on you – preferably with some kind of real hard evidence you could present to them.
Better still, if you presented these hard fact evidence pieces to a person who doesn’t know you or your spouse, and they were convinced from your presentation that your spouse was cheating, then you probably are on the right track.
Think of this third-party person like a courtroom with a judge. A courtroom and judge won’t know you and won’t know what you’ve been through. You’ll have to convince a court if you decide to proceed with a divorce, and if you can’t convince a third party then you’re not likely to convince any court. This could work out very badly for you if a divorce is in your future.
In fact, you probably shouldn’t even ask if they are cheating on you, unless you’ve already found enough evidence to convince you and a stranger that they are actually cheating!
Here are the 3 reasons why you shouldn’t bring up the subject to your spouse until after you’ve got enough evidence or information to “make your case”:
They’ll know to do a better job of hiding their cheating.
As Napoleon Bonaparte once said, “Never stop your enemy while he is making a mistake.” Don’t confront them as a way of information collection or building your case against them. Just let them keep on making one mistake after another while you use your note taking system or software and/or tried and true information-gathering techniques to determine what they’re up to.
Confront them before you do this, and your adulterous significant other is only likely to get sneakier and more covert with his or her affair. Confront him or her with the right information on your side, and he or she is going to be a lot more likely to give in and admit what they’ve been doing. If that’s your goal.
They’ll be more able to (wrongly) convince you YOU’RE wrong.
Your spouse may be cheating but since you don’t have enough hard evidence, they may be able to convince you they are not. They’ll wiggle their way out of hard questions you ask them and turn the tables on you. They might even accuse YOU of cheating since you’re asking these questions!!
Remember, they are skilled liars. They’ve carried on this cheating behind your back for a long time. It may have been going on for years! They know your habits and they know your hotspots. They’ll manipulate the conversation, so it works to their advantage.
After all, it’s always easy to convince us of something when we want to believe that something. And who wants to believe, really, that their spouse has actually been unfaithful? Especially when you have been going through the trauma and heartbreak of believing you have a cheating spouse.
Learn to watch for the signs, the inconsistencies – maybe even get a little hard evidence–and you’ll be harder to convince when they’re lying to you. Your spouse will see this, and it will affect how they talk to you. You’re not nearly as likely to be lied to – again – IF you come into the conversation with full confidence that you know exactly what you’re talking about.
Once you’ve learned what to look for, you may find out they’re not actually cheating at all!
Things that might look suspicious–telephone calls at odd hours, strange websites left on the computer, too many nights late home from work lately–can sometimes actually be “red herrings”.
We had one case some years ago, where a wife became suspicious because her husband was coming home two hours later than normal from work.
She hired us to follow him for a couple of evenings and what we found was astonishing!
This man would leave work and travel to a department store which was on his way home. He would then change shirts and put on the department store shirt and then enter the store.
We followed him into to the store and found him working behind the counter as a commission-based salesperson.We even purchased an item from him to show his name on the receipt.
When his wife asked him about it, he admitted he got the job so he could earn money on the side to buy her a gift. He didn’t want to take money out of the joint savings account they had!
We’re not sure how it all ended, or how he felt about his wife hiring a private investigator, but we hope they worked it out and lived happily ever after.
But this does illustrate that your suspicions might not be correct. Always gather facts! Before you pass final judgment on your significant other, make sure you’ve used tested methods to collect the kind of information you need. Do this, and you may even find out that those phone calls, web sites, and late days at work actually were harmless.
But if you neglect to gather your information in an efficient and reliable manner, you run the risk of tipping off your cheating spouse, letting an adulterous partner con you into a false sense of security, or even ruining a perfectly good relationship by jumping to conclusions!
Hire a professional.
We can determine the facts you need to proceed with your life in a scenario where you’re not sure if your spouse is cheating. You can make decisions based on facts. You can’t make decisions based on suspicion.